Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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