I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
