I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
