I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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