Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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