I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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