pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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