I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize