OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
