worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
