Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
