i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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