so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
