I think I am morally bankrupt
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
