I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
