why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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