I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize