Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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