Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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