I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
