Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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