I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
