just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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