Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
