then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
