my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We named our party play list daddy issues
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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