a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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