I wish my penis had an off switch
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
