he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
