were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
