my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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