Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
