Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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