I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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