I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
