girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
