So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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