so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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