So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
