he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I love you. Go after that dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
