I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
