you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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