Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
