just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
