I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He kissed a someone with a penis
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
