your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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