Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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