Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
