I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
