I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize