I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
