Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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