I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
