1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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