the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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