I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
